#but mmmm tension... guilt... consequences...

[bbyboybucket]

Ya know, the more I think about it, the more Tony Stark annoys me and I’ve realized that the events of Infinity War (and ig Endgame too technically) are literally all his fault. Because it all started with him in AOU when he went behind his teams back to create Ultron without thinking through any of the consequences and being arrogant enough to think that everything would go right because he’s the one who’s building it. If Sokovia was never destroyed, then that woman wouldn’t have came to him in CW about her son’s death. Which then caused Tony to AGAIN go behind his team’s back, and get the Ross/the Government to practically punish and restrict everyone, which is already bad enough but then he gives a whole speech trying to guilt the rest of the Avengers for fighting and correcting the problem that he literally created in the first place. He’s quite literally the reason for the sokovia accords that brought so much tension among everyone and once again, if he’d never built Ultron, Sokovia would still be standing and Zemo would have never did those things. So really, Tony IS the whole fucking reason the avengers broke up and weren’t together to fight Thanos the first round. But even more than that, the avengers (besides Thor and Banner) could’ve been all together to fight Thanos, having a better chance, if only Tony woulda swallowed his damn pride and pettiness and called Steve when he needed back up, instead of just being like “mmmm no I don’t wanna talk to him so I’m gonna fight this universe level threat without that support”. Literally everything is Tony’s damn fault, all because he wanted to make Ultron.

[vampkomori]

i think with the information were given by the reports, we can figure out what Joshua may have been doing in the 3 years leading up to neo

i think the key lies in this specific part of neo’s reports

neo’s game resembles that of the game 3 years ago, though most specifically being point 2. The absence of the Composer

these are the circumstances of the game in the og reports. Notably, the only difference in circumstances being the mention of the Composers limitation of abilities (which is implied by his absence), and direct interference by the Executor.

As noted in both reports, Joshua is not allowed to interfere in the goings-on of the UG. To further prevent any potential meddling on his part, the Composer is required to leave the UG. As hes likely unable to/not allowed to tune into the frequency of the Higher Plane, and its specifically mentioned that he travels from the UG to the RG in the og reports, this means Joshua is residing in the RG while the Game is ongoing in neo.

Theres 3 points to address about this situation:

The limitation of his abilities, and what this might have to do with his appearance

The consequences his absence has on the UG

What he may have done in the 3 years the game was ongoing

 First we should brush up on what his abilities actually entail

Usually, he can at least somewhat see the future. This ability is entirely absent when in the RG, he can draw conclusions about what might happen based on observations, but he cant predict the exact outcome. Note that this ability is specifically limited when hes downtuned. So when he looks like a normal guy and not a glowing blur in the shape of a person. Meaning that when he actually appears in the UG at the end of neo, he still cant see the future, and doesnt know whats going to happen.

As for the matter of his appearance, Reapers dont age. As seen in the ntwewy official guidebook, the reapers in og twewy are the same age as they are in neo. Sho is still 18, kariya is still 19, uzuki is still 17, etc. it doesn’t make sense for Reapers, who are so far beneath the Composer, not to age, but the Composer for some reason does?

BUT Joshuas been physically in the RG for the past 3 years, so its possible that that is the reason he aged. Post-neo he can stay in the UG again, so its possible hes going to remain physically 18 when he downtunes now. Think of it as like, time passes and causes his body to age as anyone else in the RG, but time stops in the UG, because it’s the “dead zone”

the reason neku aged while in Shinjuku is because Shinjuku is neither in the UG or the RG, it is in its own plane of existence. That plane just so happened to have time that passes, which lets you age like the RG would. (this might also be partially the reason why Coco is 19 of all ages in neo, even though she looks middle school aged in A New Day, 3 years ago. With her occasionally popping in for who-knows-how-long into Shinjuku to visit neku, she aged the amount of time she spent there most likely)

Anyway, it does not make sense for joshua to be able to choose what age he appears as when he downtunes. The reports specifically say he looks younger when he downtunes, and that its fortunate this prevents him from being recognized by reapers. Meaning that this is more of a happy accident and not purposeful in the slightest.

i know that one guidebook comment by Nomura has him state Joshuas appearance was to match Neku in appearance, but this was likely a design choice and not a willful decision by Joshua himself. You can interpret it however you like, but nothing in-canon ever points to Joshua being able to control his appearance when he downtunes, ever

Next up are the consequences of joshuas absence in the UG.

The Composer is the one who writes and changes the rules of the UG. Considering that in neo, the rules of the game were very much rewritten to match those of Shinjuku, it seems theres uh. Something kinda unlawful going on there. Which ill touch on in a moment, but first, more importantly, with joshuas absence in the UG and residing in the RG instead, the UG has been functionally without a Composer for 3 years, and therefore his established rules made invalid.

This should mean the UG should collapse, i mean, in og twewy he was only able to be absent for 3 weeks before the UG started to get somewhat unstable already. So theres no way the UG would be able to hold up without a Composer for 3 years……. unless?

An emergency call.

With Uzuki being made temporary Conductor and Game Master (neo uses these two terms interchangeably, for some reason) post-og twewy, she likely upheld Joshuas UG rules until Shiba usurped her. With Shiba being directly influenced by Kubo, he likely seized control over the UG instantly by issuing an Emergency call, which suspended Joshuas rules and gave complete authority to Shiba. Thus Shiba was able to completely rewrite the UG’s rules as if he were the Composer.

Small things such as the new appearance of the walls put up by wall reapers (now black thorns, and not just transparent walls), the new decals being two sets of poorly scribbled skulls, and the new Reaper Skull and its pins, all point to having been designed by Shiba, and then made by Kubo.

With Joshua not being allowed to intervene in the UG while his game with Kubo was ongoing, he also cannot ask his Producer to make pins, decals, etc. (especially since Hanekoma is also forbidden from intervening). That means Shiba wasn’t able to contact him to do it, either (or even knows he exists).

Hanekoma notes that as an Angel, Kubo is able to prepare special pins at will, so its likely this also extends to more than just pins.

Funnily enough this also means Shiba never even met Joshua despite being Shibuyas Conductor.

Though Joshua most likely wouldnt be allowed to even interact with his opponent’s proxy in the first place, its also hilarious to think Kubo never told Shiba about a Conductors responsibility to the Composer, or that its unusual the Composer never contacted him to contact the Reapers.

So, Joshua wasn’t exactly able to interject to the changes to his rules. His authority was literally overwritten by an emergency call due to his mandatory absence because of his game. (crappy loophole if u ask me)

 Then what was Joshua doing for 3 years?

Staying in the RG in some way or form.

But most importantly, he mustve interacted with Beat, Rhyme, and Shiki for a significant amount of his stay.

the fact that Shiki refers to him as “Josh” points to her having gotten to know him well enough to refer to him as that nickname, especially since she never even met him in og twewy, and was only told about him by Neku.

in this same scene in jp, Beat calls him by his actual name “Joshua”, which is also notable for Beat, since he didnt even remember uzuki’s or kariya’s names after 3 years, and referred to joshua by a nickname when he was hounding him and neku during week 2 as a reaper in og twewy. which once again points to Beat having gotten to know him well enough to actually use his first name.

Theres also the matter of Beat, Rhyme and Shiki living outside of Shibuya.

we know that Beat and Rhyme must have lived near Miyashita Park in og twewy, because their accident happens by the Miyashita Park Underpass after Beat storms out after an argument with their parents. but in neo, Rhyme has to get to shibuya via train, and Beat tells her to go home and away from shibuya to stay safe, which means they mustve moved away from Shibuya sometime during these 3 years.

its likely Joshua may have a hand in them moving away (possibly because he mightve wanted to at least make sure Neku’s friends were safe from his game’s consequences after he returned Neku to the RG)

their move away from shibuya is significant because shiki is often away from shibuya as well. which notably means that all of nekus friends are safe from shibuyas potential destruction if joshua were to lose his game (again)

Shiki is often away from shibuya due to work, and while she does ardently pursue her dreams of becoming a fashion designer, this decision was likely encouraged by Joshua as well. though shiki does occasionally return to wait by hachiko for Neku, she might also have visited Joshua too. two birds one stone. or joshua bothered her whenever she was by hachiko, and eventually formed a friendship, which then extended to beat and rhyme.

this would also explain why Beat never suggests looking for the Composer in neo, because he knows Joshuas stuck in the RG and cant intervene.

as to why joshua doesnt intervene even though he was So eager to do so in og twewy... we dont know. in the reports, hanekoma suggests that it mightve been to teach shibuya a lesson about responsibility, but thats. kinda stupid honestly. i imagine the real reason might be tied to the Higher Plane and its politics, especially since Hanekoma mentions that the reason Hazuki intervened mightve been to bait Joshua into acting. which is weird on all accounts, since haz looks up to joshua as his senior and tells him he intervened to earn his forgiveness. so why hanekoma even got this impression might be related to him being in the Higher Plane and thus knowing more about the tension related to Joshua and his actions amongst the angels.

anyway, this concludes my case

[sparrowwritings]

The Ever “Delightful” Consequences of Friendship

Ao3 Link

"He could tolerate quite a lot from his more carefree friends, but stupidity--particularly stupidity that he'd done his best to prevent--was far more than enough to set him off."

Emet-Selch is more than happy to welcome his friend into the Convocation of Fourteen as Azem. It's a role well earned, despite lingering doubts and a disappointed twin.

Too bad said friend means to action on them, even though he explicitly advised against it.

This can only go well, clearly.

Co-credit for this idea (and one of the characters) goes to @thedovahcat

“Oh. Hey. What’re you doing here?”

“Offering both congratulations and condolences. I take it the news didn’t sit well with her?”

“With either of us, to be honest…”

“Then I suppose it’s good that I brought two well fermented bottles.”

“...Are you sure you’re not the concept of perfection in person form?”

“Please. Flattery will only get you so far, particularly now that you’re part of the Convocation.”

“Ah. Right. That. Guess we’ll see each other a lot more, huh?”

“Our roles have some overlap, yes, but even if they didn’t you’d find the time to annoy me regardless of your position. You just don’t get the benefit of team effort to do so.”

“Heh, that’s true...”

“...I’m not supposed to inform you about the selection process, but I can say that it was a close thing. Both of you were equally qualified, but there is only one seat. You being selected does not mean she is less talented. You might recall that when I was appointed, Hythlodaeus was also just as if not more qualified for the seat.”

“I know, I know...still, it just doesn’t sit well with me.”

“You’ll get over it once you’ve officially taken on your duties. You’ll be able to leave the city more often, help more people, etcetera. Everything you already enjoy doing. Feelings fade, duty doesn’t.”

“I’m this close to taking back your status as the concept of perfection.”

“I’m dreadfully devastated.”

“I’m serious.”

“So am I.”

“I ought to get Hythlodaeus to come over. He’d help us find a way around this.”

“He would suggest highly illegal things when you ought to accept the situation given to you.”

“Hades! Have you lost your heart in your time as Emet-Selch?”

“I wouldn’t bother talking to you if I had. Or brought drinks."

"Hmph."

"...Look. You have been chosen for Azem, not Artemis. Wanting to change the past won’t fix anything. Besides which, the seat already suits you well, and time will only make your duties easier. Don’t try to do anything that you will regret just because of your guilt about something you couldn’t have influenced."

"Mmmm…"

"Unless you want to be known as the shortest tenure of Azem in history. I'd rather you not, but who am I to get in the way of what you desire?"

“...Oh fine, you haven’t lost your heart. Yet. I'm not going to quit."

"Good."

"She'd never speak to me again after all the hard work we both did for the seat."

"After giving you a hefty thump on the head, yes."

"But I do still want to help Artemis feel better, somehow."

"I must stress that I'm confident that she will be alright. Should that not be the case, however, I've devised a series of distractions to keep her mind off of the topic."

"...You were worried about us, huh?”

“Baseless accusations of my person aside, you and your twin both have a history of awful decision making whilst upset. My goal is to prevent the two of you from causing me more headaches, Apollo.”

“I think I can safely say that your goal isn’t a very attainable one.”

“Hmph. Think about what I’ve said.”

“I will.”

“Repeat what I’ve said, then.”

“‘Feelings fade, duty doesn’t.’ ‘Don’t focus on the past, look forward to the future.’ ‘I was slightly less qualified for my seat and I’m doing just fine.’ ‘I’m Hades and I’m always right about everything.’”

“Charming.”

“Thanks. I’ve been practicing my you-imitation.”

“I noticed.”

“You don’t have to glare so hard, I am listening to you, I swear!”

“I’ll believe that when I see the evidence for myself.”

“You wound me.”

“The drink will help with that.”

Emet-Selch felt his eye twitch in irritation at the scene before him. He could also feel the headache building at his temples already.

When he got his hands on them, he was going to let them have it. Both of them. Preferably with Hythlodaeus in the same room so that he could get the triple combination of annoying troublemakers. It didn’t matter if he'd had nothing to do with the situation that was unfolding. Blame could be given to him regardless. Hades' words would be hot enough to scald the three into submission if it was the last thing he ever--

“Are you feeling well, Emet-Selch?” 

The genuine concern in the young voice cut through his rage-fueled imaginings. Turning to face the speaker showed him none other than Elidibus, the youngest of the convocation. He had an anxious tension in his body language. An equally anxious expression surely was overtaking the face underneath the small red mask of his peer, though he was careful to be facing forward. 

It took Emet-Selch a moment to enforce a sense of calm in himself, if only to not snap at the youth for something he had no knowledge of. “I believe I may be a little under the weather,” He managed to say while his gaze moved from the youth to Azem, who was still happily chatting with another member of the convocation. “I could have sworn that Azem resembled someone else other than himself. But that couldn’t possibly be the case. There would be serious consequences if my imaginings had any basis on reality.” Venom crept into his voice as he spoke. So much for keeping calm.

He was well aware that he was far more perceptive than most. His attention to detail was one of the reasons why he had been considered for the seat of Emet-Selch in the first place. Noticing the subtle things about people was what his friends jokingly referred to as his "party trick" and they often roped him into their childish games by this ability.

This time the games had gone too far. Worse, he'd specifically warned against doing anything as foolhardy as what he was witnessing. 

Even more enraging, Emet-Selch hadn't even needed a moment to tell that Artemis was pretending to be Apollo to play the role of Azem.

It was so obvious to him! Yes it was difficult for most to tell the difference between the twins (especially when Artemis decided to pin up her hair to fit inside of the hood of her robe like she had done here), but to blatantly disregard any propriety and sense on a chance that no one would notice was just irresponsible, ill-conceived, and idiotic.

He could tolerate quite a lot from his more carefree friends, but stupidity--particularly stupidity that he'd done his best to prevent--was far more than enough to set him off.

Before he could stomp over and demand what she could be possibly thinking (and damn the consequences), Emet-Selch felt a tug on his sleeve. He looked down to see the worried frown on the part of Elidibus' face that he could see. "Did Azem do something to vex you?" He couldn't see the young man's eyes, but it was plain as day that they were wide and round with concern under the mask. "It must have been a great offense to anger you so. You're so often unflappable."

Emet-Selch winced. His rage, which had been building up again, left him all at once at Elidibus' gentle chiding. He made a mental note to be certain that no one, especially not his friends, heard a word of this. Just because he was still debating on whether or not to still call two of them friends of his didn't mean they needed to hear about this embarrassment. Beside which, he had been showing unprofessional behavior and he'd hurt the Emissary's feelings by accident. He needed to clean his own mess before he could begin to address the real problem.

Thinking quickly gave him a believable (and even somewhat truthful) tale for the youth. "My sincerest apologies, Elidibus. Azem had consulted with me about a personal matter some time ago." He spared a glance towards "Azem." She gave no indication to have noticed anything unusual, for she continued to be engaged in conversation. "I was...concerned," It took an immense amount of effort to keep his voice from expressing his true feelings. "That something he had said in jest was what he ended up doing despite my quite stern disapproval." 

Elidibus tilted his head, the frown lessening into a more neutral expression as he mulled over what had been said. He still hadn't let go of the sleeve of Emet-Selch's robe. It wouldn't take much effort to extract the cloth from the youth's hand, but he'd done enough to tarnish the Emissary's usual enthusiasm so he merely stood there. After all, he knew where the twins normally congregated. And he even had some ideas about where they would hide if they were alerted to his wrath. He could afford to wait for a response.

Eventually the youth nodded at some conclusion he had reached. "I think I understand. Your anger is related to the censure that Azem received."

"I would describe my feelings as an extreme form of irritation, though I can see why you would assume that." Off base though Elidibus was, it would neither be the first nor last time that Emet-Selch had used the assumptions and words of others to technically tell the truth. Particularly when Hythlodaeus, Artemis and Apollo were involved. The fact that a topic of the day's meeting had indeed been a public reprimand for Azem's recent unsanctioned (yet heroic) actions made for a good cover. "Azem is incapable of ignoring those in need. Regardless of the warnings given by wiser fellows."  It was a true statement no matter which twin he was talking about. 

A grin settled on the Emissary's face. "How fortunate, then, that we are blessed to have the seat of Azem filled by one so willing to go above and beyond what is asked of them." The smile dimmed a smidge as Elidibus added, "Though it comes at the cost of the concern of their friends."

He looked away from the youth, carefully keeping his face neutral although the words struck a chord within him. "I don't recall mentioning being friends with Azem."

"You don't need to disown Azem just for not listening to you, Emet-Selch." He could have sworn that he heard a hint of an eye roll in that sentence. Not that he could confirm it even if he were searching for an expression. "Mayhap there is a reason behind their actions that you have yet to grasp? The only way to know for certain is to ask." 

A pause grew between the two until finally Emet-Selch gave a snort. "Truly you are the heart of the Convocation, Elidibus." A warm smirk tugged at his lips as he glanced back down at the youth. Sure he was practically lectured by one much younger than him, but his own worry over the well being of two of his fellows was endearing. "I will take what you've said into consideration."

A truly radiant smile greeted his gaze. The young man finally released Emet-Selch's sleeve. "I look forward to your reconciliation." 

It was his turn to roll his eyes with as much subtlety as possible. "We'll see about that." With that, he turned on a heel and made his way to Artemis.

Apparently she had just noticed him walking towards her, for she said her goodbyes and made to leave. Emet-Selch deftly wrapped a hand around his friend's arm before she could escape. "Azem, there you are. I've been meaning to talk with you about something. Let us away and chat."

Just because he was less angry did not mean he wouldn't have strong words for his friends.

"So, how did the meeting go...?"

"Fine enough. I made an upsetting discovery, but was discouraged from acting on it immediately."

"I see."

"And then I had a serious conversation with the twins."

"Ah."

"...You knew that Artemis and Apollo were impersonating each other while also taking on the role of Azem."

"Why that's preposterous. And illegal. And many other equally negative descriptors--"

"Hythlodaeus."

"--why would you accuse me, your dearest friend, of knowing such seditious information? I'm hurt, Hades. Very hurt."

"Hythlodaeus."

"I'm just as shocked as you are that such a thing is happening--"

"The twins didn't say a word about you knowing. Then again they didn't have to."

"Oh fine. Yes, I knew."

"And you didn't try to stop them?"

"How could I? You know as well as I do that once those two have something set in their minds, nothing will discourage them. Even you couldn't stop them if you'd known about it beforehand."

"I did try. I didn't know what the plan was going to be, but I attempted to discourage it anyway."

"And see how much that slowed them down."

"Hm."

"...If it helps, I had nothing to do with that particular decision. They came to me after they had already set themselves on it. I merely made a few suggestions about how to better impersonate each other."

"So the hair extension concept was your doing."

"Guilty as charged."

"Be thankful you're not being charged for anything. Nor are the twins, in case you hadn't heard."

"Good, good."

"...It's odd, though."

"What is?"

"I told Apollo 'feelings fade, duty doesn't.' And I still agree with that. Yet, here I am shirking my duty to report all of this for the sake of my friends' feelings."

"...Perhaps you just have the wrong phrasing."

"Oh really?"

"Don't look at me like that, you can be wrong sometimes, Hades."

"Then what, pray tell, is the correct phrasing?"

"I'm no wordsmith, but perhaps it should be something like, 'many things, including feelings, can and should slip from your grasp, but duty and friendship are what you should hold onto.'"

"...You are absolutely no wordsmith."

"My apologies for trying to sum up your own clunky speech." 

"How are we friends?"

"We just are."

"...She really was being obvious about not being Apollo, though. I told her to not get caught, but I'll need to make certain that no one else suspects. It'd be a nightmare if any other member of the Convocation knew."

"Oh, they didn't tell you?"

"......Tell me what."

"They've informed Elidibus already. It was one of the first things they decided on because, to quote them, 'It would be cruel to leave him confused about the situation.'"

"...Please tell me you have a well fermented bottle."

"Coming right up."

[soap3rz]

Plan your visit (and reservation requests) accordingly!

The given address goes to a Steampunk cafe specializing in games and coffee–another novelty era ripe for nostalgic yearning but not the one we were looking for. Where the hell is this place? The first time I had visited Volstead’s Emporium in Uptown, Minnesota I was accompanied by a friend who was already privy to the location. Half the appeal of a secret speakeasy hidden away in a niche part of town already known for it’s fanciful coffee-shops, coin operated video game arcade clubs, and ‘hot yoga’–is that it’s a destination prided on the fact that you kind of already need to know where you’re going. Like being a member of an Eyes Wide Shut sexy, Eleusinian Mysteries kind of cult meeting or a pirate marauding around the Caribbean looking for the Isla De Muerta–an island that cannot be found except by those who already know where it is. Being ‘in the know’ about Volstead’s Emporium adds a lot to its notoriety. Going to their website offers no assistance–there is no address, no online menu, no pictures or an extensive proselytizing ‘About’ page. It’s tough to know this place even exists, or what it is, unless you become one of the initiated via word of mouth.

We were driving around Uptown one evening where, during a traffic stop, I recognized the location we were at–and that down that seedy, familiar-looking alleyway nestled behind the Steampunk cafe was the secret speakeasy I had wanted to take my boyfriend to for ages. It felt like a re-discovery and I hastily tried to remember where it was for next time, when we would plan our visit and get to transport ourselves to a faux, 1920’s era den of libations.

~

For those who need a quick History lesson to refresh–the Temperance movement in the United States won a political victory from 1920-1933 when the entire country went “dry”. Meaning, the 18th Amendment to the Constitution was drafted and the production, sale, and transportation of alcohol was banned. To enforce this draconian rule, the government passed the Volstead Act (Where our friendly Emporium likely took its name from) which went a step further in defining the intoxicating substances that were banned and the punishments that came with breaking these laws. The rise of bootlegging, gangsters, and speakeasies–secret law-breaking establishments selling banned booze–became a direct consequence and the 1920’s is forever remembered with these associations. 

~

Unfortunately, memory is only as good as it is served. Turns out, when the summer construction is hazardous and the Happy Hour besought motorists are honking more persistently than a skein of geese, it can be a bit frustrating to try and remember a scattering of location markers after finally getting lucky finding a parking spot. Had I known that the large, neon gleaming sign for beer and bratwurst king New Bohemia resided across the street from our desired crime scene alleyway, our journey on empty stomachs might have been easier to bear. Once found, walking down said alleyway gives off an appropriate air of sleaziness, and as sweltering as the heat often gets in the summer, I was just thankful it wasn’t garbage from the line of dumpsters that marked our path. Hanging a left midway, there’s a smattering of apartment balconies claustrophobic-ly clustered together and in the small back of the building obstructed by vents, there resides a large bolted metal door with a creepy red serial killer light hanging above it. A most welcoming destination, if I ever saw one.

Yeah this seems…

…safe?

 “It’s all you, babe.”

I took this initiative with the fervent composure of a Flapper girl, who had likely already spent most of the evening dancing the Charleston to extinction, and rapped the door with my knuckles like I knew exactly what I was getting myself into. The slot in the door opens and a pair of eyes greets you–“Yes?”

“We have a reservation for two!”

“Name?”

The door is unbolted and we entered into a stairwell devoid of any identifying features aside from the bookie wearing a surprisingly dapper get-up. “Enjoy” is all he says as he goes back to manning the door. It’s up to us to take ourselves down the stairs and to the basement where we stand momentarily confused, there are at least three doors to choose from–not one of them marked with a sparkling Go Here to Drink sign to help us out. We could just make out the muffled sound of chatter and glass clinking enough to try Door Number 1–which ended up leading us into a time machine.

Managed to capture before the place got packed!

An oft overlooked aspect of any dining experience is the ability to transport a patron. This can happen with really good food–it’s much easier to feel like you’re on the coast of Sorrento enjoying a bowl of pasta in a white wine sauce when the spaghetti is al dente and the clams are cooked to perfection and you’re even given a shot of limoncello to chase it all down with. But atmosphere is just as important too and at Volstead’s–you do feel like you just stepped into a 1920’s speakasy which would make even the most classy of bathtub gin stirrers proud.

There are no windows and the establishment is dimly lit, there’s a piano and a jazz player in the back corner strumming soft melodies with the tempered line of the bartender shaking drinks. People are laughing uproariously all around, likely amplified by the low ceiling and general jovialness that comes with a really well mixed cocktail. It’s welcoming–and cuts the tension had while trying to find the place to begin with.

The Old Fashioneds here are one of my favorites in the state: Bourbon, applewood smoked demerara, and house blend bitters.

We were seated at a booth across from the parlor tables, draped with curtains we could easily pull for more privacy. It felt like we were only missing poker chips and the acrid smoke of cigars hanging in the air to set the mood into one in need of a police raid. For another brief moment, I felt like a femme fatale who was clandestinely meeting with a surly detective across from me, who was cloaked in a make-believe fedora and interrogating me on my whereabouts the night Tommy the Gun was murdered–all under the veneer of a heavy sepia filter. Or that was just the Old Fashioneds talking.

Volstead’s is a novelty experience, a way to feel like you’re in a piece of history for the night–surrounded by good drinks and food to boot. There’s a library room where you could sit and partake in a re-imagined game of Clue wearing monocles and dinner jackets, a large dial safe loitering under the stairs where surely the funds of nefarious mobster money ventures is well hidden, and there is even a telephone booth in the back by the restrooms for even the most ardent Doctor Who fan to enjoy. Voldstead’s is straight up cool so put that in your pipe and smoke it.

The scene of the crime, where Mrs. Peacock allegedly bludgeoned Colonel Mustard with a copy of Marie Kondo’s Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up.

No one warned us about the framed mirror on the wall of our booth, that it would swing open and the waiter would grin as we jumped in surprise, serving as a portal in which to take our food and drink orders. I think the waitstaff probably finds most of their amusement in this gimmick–and it’s certainly a fun experience to team up with your waiter on. There is a buzzer under the mirror when you’re ready to order and there was at least one more incident where the frame creaked open like a horror movie prop with no waiter to be found, only for him to pop up into view a second later and ask what we’d like–to more jump scares from us. It’s hilarious.

Bwaaaahm

Now all of this is fine and dandy, right? But the main attraction of any dining establishment is the food. And oh boy, does it not disappoint. The first time I went to Voldstead’s, I chose a guilt-free zucchini carbonara with added shrimp that was surprisingly complex and topped off the evening with warm, gooey bread pudding. This time, I went with the usual favorites my boy detective and I usually partake in at other restaurants–the first test for us being the charcuterie plate. I finally learned how to properly pronounce “charcuterie” when I embarrassingly ordered it incorrectly and my windowed waiter set me straight–not sure whether he was smirking at my inability to speak French or because I was recovering from another fun jump scare. Not to be a gerkin (no old fashioneds were consumed in the making of this dad joke), but I’m pretty easy to satisfy when it comes to charcuterie plates–the server had me at spicy salami, spec, and capicola. I was so excited I didn’t even pay attention to what the cheeses were.

Mmmm, gerkins

Next, I ordered the most basic sounding ‘Steak & Potatoes’ which was anything but and I got it cooked a beautiful, medium-rare despite ordering it just medium, but hey–they were just looking out for me and my philistine steak preparation ordering ways. This is one of the better steaks I’ve eaten and I didn’t need to drop a $500 tab at Manny’s to enjoy it–this gorgeous hunk of meat is up there with the bavette I had at 112 Eatery and the steak I had at a (now closed) restaurant outside of New York City I had visited in high school that was apparently one of Elvis’ favorites.

8oz Bavette, herb potatoes and grilled asparagus with peppercorn cognac sauce. #NeverForget

Though any sane person would be full at this point and I was working on my second cocktail (Like Clockwork–Cognac, Bourbon, Dolin dry, Amaro Nonino, Orange Bitters, Expressed Orange–definitely got me all good and “bezoomny”!), a place can’t be sufficiently done and tried until you order a dessert and a regular, black coffee. Now, it should shock no one to know that I can be a bit of a pedant about certain things–and coffee is one of those things. I’ve worked in and out of the coffee industry for the better part of 8 years as a barista and on the corporate level slinging office work. It’s not particularly hard to find quality, well-sourced beans and it is even easier to brew them right. A restaurant can tell me a lot about how much they care about every aspect of their commitment to quality and food by how good their regular brewed coffee tastes. I’ve been disappointed in establishments that otherwise provide good meals but then serve up bitter, black water mudd that tastes like it had been sitting for more than 2 hours in back. I move from disappointed to irritated when this crime is committed by an authentically-declared French or Italian restaurant where ending your meal with a good coffee is tantamount to the cultural experience. One sip from Volstead’s chosen brew and I knew this place really was every bit as great as I knew it to be.

Tiramisu because I’m ‘basic Italian’

The tiramisu I ordered for dessert wasn’t bad either–and as your resident swarthy Italian-American, I’ve had plenty of tiramisu in my day. The only thing about it I found particular to note, was how the lady fingers weren’t soggy and absolutely drowning in booze and/or coffee. Unlike me this evening, of course.

So, dear reader, consider yourself well and in the know about Volstead’s Emporium in Uptown, MN. I’ve now passed on the secret to you–and if you’re in the area or visiting the Twin Cities, I hope that you take a moment to stumble around W. Lake St. attempting to find it. But shhhhh–don’t tell your dinner companion(s) about the mirror window.

Volstead’s Emporium: A Hidden Speakeasy in Uptown, MN The given address goes to a Steampunk cafe specializing in games and coffee--another novelty era ripe for nostalgic yearning but not the one we were looking for.